capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
