I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
