my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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