So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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