I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
