The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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