im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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