i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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