I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
