just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
