I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
