Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
