The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
