Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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