im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Everclear isn't food dammit
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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