Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
