if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
