Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
