your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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