I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
