if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
