so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
