i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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