There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
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I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
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I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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