I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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