can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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