i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i wish my penis had a tongue
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
