I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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