There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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