we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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