Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
