What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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