Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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