shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
