Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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