My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
