birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
