She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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