She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I want to be your penis for a week.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
