I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
