remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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