chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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