If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
