When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
