Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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