she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
