i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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