i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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