Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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