does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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