Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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