i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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