Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
