Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
