I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The struggles of a small town man whore
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
